Today is a sad, blue day. Not the weather, it is actually beautiful outside. The sadness is inside. I am depressed. It isn't bad enough that I need to go back on antidepressants, I don't think. I am not having suicidal thoughts or anything like that. I am just sad. I feel like a failure, and have no reason, except that I cannot find a job. I apply and send my resume and never hear from the people I've applied to. I know, there are jobs out there. I could go to work for minimum wage at a fast food place, or a grocery store, but, after having been an Office Manager/Administrative Assistant for 10 years, I really don't want to go back to a minimum wage job. Can you blame me? I have skills but lack education. The jobs I would want require a degree, the jobs that don't require a degree find me to be 'over qualified' and while it is't legal to discriminate based on age, companies prefer to hire a younger person. I can't blame them. One of the main reasons I lost my job was because they could hire someone half my age for half the money. When I was looking to hire someone, I didn't want to hire someone that was too young or too old. With unemployment being as high as it is, I am assuming that for each job I apply to there are many more people also applying; younger people who are equally qualified. So, I am passed over for someone younger, who will possibly stay with the company longer than 2 - 5 years. Again, I don't blame them. But it is SOOOO discouraging and makes me feel like a failure.
Do I need to start taking antidepressants again? That is a question I ask myself occasionally. Then I ask, why did I want to get off them in the first place? #1 reason? Because I didn't FEEL. What I mean is I had no emotions, or so it seemed. I didn't cry over dumb, sappy commercials, or sad songs, or sad movies. I watched "Steel Magnolias", a movie that I used to couldn't watch without a box of Kleenex (or two), without shedding one tear. No tears, no anger, no......nothing. I hated that. Now I have my emotions back, and I emote all over the place. But I'm okay with that.
What I need is a PURPOSE. Something to get out of bed for every morning. Even blogging and facebook and the whole Internet thing has lost it's appeal. Writing, but my brain only permits so much of that. So, here I sit in my jammies at noon.
Someone very wise once told me that if you find yourself in a hole, best stop digging. So I need to get up, get dressed, get out and DO something. Unfortunately, I live in a small town of 3500. It is a minimum of 35 miles to any town that is bigger than this one. It is 5 hours to a city where there is any sort of opportunity. So, if I do get up and get dressed and go....what is there to DO?? NOTHING!!! Work at fast food for minimum if I could even GET a job there!!
SIGH
I am depressed and need to get out of this hole.
All I can think of to say is, please pray for me.
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